Some of you already know that I have a mortal enemy. Oh yes – it’s true. I have a foe.
The very existence of this individual tortures me. Just the sight of him invokes an intensely angry physical response. I almost feel like a red hot wave of hatred is rising up in me and I might go berserk at any second.
Who is this person? You may wonder. How did they inspire such hatred in me?
My enemy is: The Bagpipe man. Yes, you know the one – the shortish fellow with receding hair who tends to loiter on Prince’s Bridge, heaving his lungs out into that wheezing tartan bag of noise.
The Bagpipe Man incessantly plays his repertoire of 3 songs morning, noon and night, rain, hail or shine. When he’s not on the bridge he’s on Bourke Street harassing shoppers with his noise pollution. I’ve even spotted him pestering unsuspecting AFL goers on their way to the MCG.
Like taking hot pokers to my ear drums, The Bagpipe Man puffs out a succession of out-of-tune screeches (notes?) into vaguely familiar songs. How that cacophony can be called music is a mystery to me. I find it utterly perplexing that anyone would give him money, more still that someone hasn’t yet pushed him into the river.
Now that I have vented my anger against The Bagpipe Man, I will now turn to the other buskers and performers who are a permanent fixture of the area where I live. Some of these performers don’t bother me, some I actually even enjoy. Take the old guy in the electric wheelchair who likes to sing country music – now HE is talented.
The guy with the drum kit made out of rubbish cans does pretty well for himself. The men who do the chalk drawings on the pavement are really fantastic – although it would be nice to see something other than Johannes Vermeer's girl with a pearl earring.
The magic trick people I have a growing animosity towards, especially the ones who use dogs for tricks. The gold painted still lady and the bronze man just look bored. But the fire juggling people are, quite frankly, dangerous.
“We need your support.” They plead to the crowd. “We rely on nice folk like you to support us so we can continue doing what we love”. In other words: “give us your hard earned money so we can continue to hazardously throw flaming sticks around while contributing nothing to society and taking up most of the footpath”.
A musical friend of mine once told me that they had a policy of giving to ever busker, but not to beggars. This got me thinking about the difference between busking and begging. Both are actually very similar. In both instances you are requesting money from strangers in a public place. Buskers, unlike beggars, will give you something in return for your donation.
But The Bagpipe Man, unlike buskers or beggars, is just there to annoy the crap out of you.
So next time you walk past him, do as I do. Glare at him and block your ears. Let your eyes convey the message: You are not getting a cent out of me.
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